Journey

Every now and then I have remind myself to breathe and make the most of everything that happens in my life...the good, the bad and the ugly. Lately I have been shifting my focus to helping my son with his fundraising and all is going pretty well. It is so hard to keep my focus these days. I feel like I am being pulled in several directions. The hardest thing about everything is the economy. We are not in the position where I can actively seek employment because Bailey still hasn't stabilized enough for me to be able to do that. I still get a phone call every week, requesting I pick him up from school. It is frustrating because we are on a fixed income and the prices of grocery, gas, etc. keep going up. =( But we are fortunate, we still have a home, we still have each other, we have food on our table. God is good and He will see us through the difficult times. I have every confidence in that.

Ed is considering putting in a package to be an officer. I hope he does, not just for the money, but for his self-confidence. He is good at what he does. He just has to believe in himself enough to follow through. It is absolutely wonderful to have Ed back home. Deployments do not get easier, I think we learn to cope better with each passing deployment, but it is not easier. I do not look forward to the next one, whenever that may be.

The girls are doing great, we are in the midst of dance competition season and all that wonderful stuff. Thank goodness Emily doesn't compete. Conrad has been a handful, getting into everything. AHHHH He reminds me every day why I am so good with just having my four blessings. I do not think I can handle another child. I am grateful for my blessings.

So over this deployment...

For personal reasons, I will not discuss my unhappiness with this deployment, but let's just say I am going to be SO HAPPY when it is over.  There are certain people who should not be allowed to wear the uniform with the amount of disgrace they bring to it.  Such a shame, I tell you.  But I digress.

Bailey is doing fine.  Nothing has changed.  His heart is still slowing failing and there is not a lot we can do about it.  But he is a strong kid and I know he will fight this, tooth and nail.  Remember, he was only supposed to last his first few days, but he just celebrated his 11th birthday.  Oh my, how the time flies.  He is a brown belt in karate.  He had to give up baseball because of his heart, but she still loves to watch his sports.

Nalani is doing well.  Dance competition is in full swing.  They are starting to nail down their number for their Hip Hop production.  Then there is her Hip Hop competition team, Tap team, then her ballet and jazz classes that she takes for fun.  Oh and we cannot forget her karate.  She's a brown belt now.  WOOHOO!

Emily is LOVING kindergarten.  I am so happy she loves it so much.  I love her teacher.  She is so good with the kids.  She is top of her class, which does not surprise me.  I do not expect anything less.  She is currently just doing a ballet/tap combo class.  

Conrad...where do I begin?  Conrad is a handful and a half.  He loves to climb everything and anything.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, I have yet to determine that, he inherited his father's charm.  He is absolutely a joy to watch.  He has the most amazing personality, it is rather funny.  So glad to have him in my life.

Me?  Well with the amount of stress from this stupid deployment, I have had to battle with some pretty wicked headaches, a PTC relapse, I suspect.  It has been horrible.  But it has been controlled with a steady flow of diamox in system.  The greatest highlight of this week?  I finished all four books of the Twilight series in three days.  It is one of those books, I wish was a television show.  haha  I totally love the love story.  What can I say?  I am a hopeless romantic.

Before I end this...I have to say a HAPPY 12th ANNIVERSARY to my dear Ed.  Has it really been 12 years?  I love you.

Catching my breath

I guess you can say that since my last post, life has zoomed on by.  It has been relatively hard for me to fully function to my capacity.  I am overwhelmed with worry for my son.  Yet, I find myself being the one who is reassuring all those around me that he will be okay.  In my heart of hearts, I know that he will be okay and that he is in God's hands, but the mother in me can't stop worrying. He's my baby, no matter how old he is or how big he is these days.  He is my baby and I love him with all of my heart.  He is who taught me how to love, how to be a mother and how to be strong.  I followed his lead.  

For weeks we have been waiting to hear from the Cardiologist in Philly.  They are really great there.  I am so glad that we were referred to them.  I loved dealing with them.  They finally got back to me about Bailey.  I am confidant that everything is going as planned.  As I was telling my family, I was very happy that despite everything what really gets me is the unknown.  When Bailey was born, we were told he would not live past his first few days.  But when he survived that, they said that he would get to about three months, then his oxygen levels would drop and that would indicate the need for his first open-heart surgery, the Glenn Shunt.  Like clock work, that is what happened.  After his first surgery, they told us that he would again dip in his oxygen levels and that he would be around three years of age, the dip would signify the need for his second surgery, the Fontan.  Again, like clock work, that is how it happened.

I guess we were always prepared for complications to come when he was a teenager because that is what they prepared us for, but here he is at 10 and apparently has been in diastolic dysfunction since he was about 6.  No complications since he was three and then this.  It sent me spinning.  But that's all I am going to say about that because I will end up crying again...and I don't want to do that.  I don't want to go there.  I just want to remain optimistic for him.

I have been having a hard time with the fact that my husband is deploying soon.  I guess with everything going on I just want my husband here.  I want him home with me.  I know I am facing quite a few sleepless nights.  

Oh here's a good vent.  Okay, so a few months ago I entered a contest.  It asked us to nominate someone in the service who we thought deserved a 50 inch plasma television.  I nominated Ed and said that he deserved to have something of his own after all the sacrifices he makes for the family and for the country.  The president e-mails me and says that Ed won the grand prize.  YAY!  Not!  He comes all the way over here and because we live with my mom and have gifts for my son , we are no longer qualified.  He wanted to give it to someone who needed it more.  Basically I was okay.  I just felt like he made me feel like an ass, like I was being greedy.  It didn't say that there were any guidelines.  I didn't even think we'd win.  Anyway, I broke no rules.  I thought the whole things was handled poorly by www.EvoHT.com.  I was going through enough with getting Ed ready to ship off and dealing with Bailey's condition (which I had just told them about).  It was dumb.

Anyway, life goes on and that is what has been happening on my side of the computer....Have a great week.

A failing heart...

I don't know if I have said this before, but almost ten and a half years ago I was blessed with a son we call him Bailey.  At twenty years old, I had to grow up faster than most my peers.  I didn't have the luxury of worrying about which club I was going to visit over the weekend or which party I was going to attend.  I had to watch over my baby who was born with a very severe congenital heart defect.  The doctors initially gave Bailey a few days to live, but here we are 10 years later.

A few weeks ago we got news that Bailey's heart might be in the early stages of heart failure.  A couple of weeks ago this fact was confirmed.  I felt like I couldn't breathe when we were in the doctor's office.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell, I wanted to shrivel up in a ball.  No matter how much you prepare yourself with knowledge, hearing the words doesn't get any easier.  Early stages of heart failure...those words might as well have been daggers to my heart.

I of course had to keep my composure for Bailey's sake.  If he saw me react, he would be afraid and I don't want my son to grow in fear, even though fear encompasses me at this time.  I want him to enjoy life, enjoy what life has to offer for however long he has.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't believe in pessimism.  I just know that our odds aren't that great and that we should really appreciate the time we have with him.  That's a hard thing to do when it is your son.  It is hard to accept that your son has such a serious health complication.

In the midst of all this, Ed deploys in a month.  I can't believe it.  I feel like someone sucker punched me.  But I know I am surrounded by lots of love and support from my friends and my family.  That is all that really matters now.  I just hope that everything remains comfortable for Bailey.

So that's about it.  I guess you can say I am still in shock.  God bless you all for your prayers and concerns.

A little under the weather...

Well we just got back home from Vegas.  Well, the hubby is still there, but that is a whole other story all on its own.  I am rather annoyed, upset if you'd like.

So we got to Vegas and it was a long and hot trip.  When we got there my sisters got ready to go out and being that my dad hasn't been there in 5 years, I told them they could go out as well.  Nothing special, Ed and I just hung out with the kids.  Very quiet and low key until I get a phone call saying that one of my sisters is missing.  Great, missing in Vegas at three in the morning.  Are you serious.  So I wait for another phone call to tell me she is alright.  Nope, I get a phone call from my other sister hysterical.  I wake up Ed and we go help with the search.  We get to the parking lot and receive another phone call to go to another hotel to get her.  We head to the other hotel, grab my sister and she tells us of her strange adventure.  When drinking in Vegas, make sure there is at least one semi-sobber person.   Seriously, that is what I am when I go out with my sisters.

Then we hang out with the family the following day, hit Margaritaville and the following day the buffet at the Mirage.  Yummy food.  About one of the few highlights of the trips.  Then the family hit the pool.  When we first got there the weather was in the 100's, when we left it was in the 50's and super windy, rainy, and cold.

Wednesday we headed out to Hoover Dam.  I hadn't been there since I was little, so over twenty years ago.  So it was neat to see it again as an adult.  My kids loved it.  i didn't think they would enjoy it so much, but they did.  We did a mini tour of the power plant and the two girls were looking for Megatron.  haha  The kids loved seeing all the water and how massive the dam was.  I am glad I took them there so they could experience that.  I hope to take them again when they are older and maybe even a trip to the Grand Canyon.  I think they would like that.

Thursday was supposed to be date night but the hubby found out he didn't make rate...so he was moody.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I understand him not being in the mood but seriously, he was about to spend the entire long weekend with his buddies in Vegas, all he had to was fake the funk for one night.  I mean woo me, take me to dinner and a movie or show.  But all I got out of him was, "I don't care, whatever you want to do."  Every now and then it would be nice to not have to make the effort...I am always making the effort.  I mean I can't even remember the last time he bought me a birthday present.  So with him being a booby, I decided to just hang out with my family and skip date night.  Since he didn't really care to make a decision.  I didn't care to share the night with him.

Friday we left and I told him how I felt.  I felt like he was so eager to get rid of us the entire day.  Like he couldn't wait to be away from us.  This hurt.  See, when your spouse is about to deploy, you remember how long and lonely the days are when they are gone.  So I didn't like the idea of him being gone for so long.  But I convinced myself, it is only until Sunday.  We dropped him off and he went on his merry way.

I text him to ask what time they come back on Sunday and he replies with, "They said we are leaving Monday."  WHAT THE HELL!  Yeah, my hubby who is deploying soon is there for 4 days (three nights)...and we have a family party going on.  I am mad and fighting with him.  First of all, I have been asking him about the whole plan thing the entire week and he kept brushing me off...because he knows I would have issues with him being gone until Monday afternoon.  Secondly, I was texting him to tell him we were home, no response.  I texted good nite...nothing.  If you are away from family, you have a wife and kids, you respond to your damn cell phone.  Because seriously, I left him with the kids (all four) to go shopping with my mom, he has the kids calling my cell phone asking what time I will be home because the baby is crying.  If I missed the calls, he gets all mad.  That's crap, he can get upset with me about not answering my calls, and I can't dish the same.  He says it is crap that I am giving him a hard time, but isn't it crap that I don't go away for 3 days, blow money, get drunk and act like a single person like he does.  Crap is not appreciating your wife.  Now that is crap!

On top of all this, I have been bleeding for 20+ days while on Yaz...and cramping and my doctor says it is normal.  Normal, my ass, at least check me out because my sister just fought breast cancer last year and my aunt was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  You found a small cyst in my ovary, dammit, make sure I am okay.  Annoyed...just a little.  But really just tired of being taken for granted.  All these people talk about the sacrifices the guys in the military make.  Yes, they make great sacrifices, but dammit, us wives make some great sacrifices as well.

Crazy life

Crap, I had a long post and my mom distracted me and it deleted.  Crap.  Will recap later.

Okay, here's the nutshell of my previous post because I don't have an hour to sit here and retype what I typed earlier...nor will I have the insight, I don't think.

I haven't been on here because we were going through some pretty stressful stuff.  I know you have all heard about the sub-prime lending crisis, well sadly, we were included as one of the victims of it.  So after doing further research, I found a website that provided a means to fight the system and not lose our home.  I encourage anyone who is in a situation where you might lose your home, please visit http://loansafe.org  There is a wealth of information on that website and the people are amazingly supportive.  Because of the good advice we received on there we were able to properly submit a loan modification package and got approved.  THANK GOD!  I can finally breathe.

I will post the details of our trip to Disneyland later.

On hold

....sadly, I put my WW on hold this weekend.  I spent most of my time trying to keep Ed from thinking about his upcoming deployment.  I know he is trying to be strong for me but every now and then he shows some vulnerability and I can sense his uneasiness with the news of his deployment.  I can't blame him, he had a rough deployment the last time around.  I just hope he seeks help before leaving so that he is mentally prepared for what is ahead of him.  I was however more conscious of what I was putting in my mouth.  I know that I am going to have to watch my portions a little better, but I making baby steps.  I have to buy some running shoes so that I can get back to the gym. 

On Friday, Ed came home late because he got the news of his deployment and decided to unwind with his HM1, who also found out that he would be deploying as well.  They went out for a few drinks, got to know each other better and then discussed what was ahead of them.  On Friday, I was happy before he got the news.  I was excited because I got floor tickets to go see the Alicia Keys concert.  I have never had floor seats before...so I was excited about that.  Then when Ed said that he wanted to go out with the guys from work, I was a little bummed, but I rocked out with Bailey and that helped to pass time.

When Ed called me, a few hours later, he said he was on his way home and that he had some news that he wanted to share with me.  I told him that the anticipation was killing me, so that he had to share the news already.  Sure enough, he did...he is getting deploy in May.  I felt my heart sink into my gut and I literally felt as if I could not breathe.  OMG, not again. 

I guess my greatest fear is having to know that he is having a rough time out there and I am not there to comfort him.  I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do.  I felt so helpless the last time he left.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out.  I can't do that though.  I have four kids depending on me to be strong and to hold the fort down until their daddy comes home.  I told Ed that when he got back, that would just be another excuse to take a trip to Hawaii and he smiled after that.  I guess it is good to keep him looking forward to something, right?

On Saturday, we had picture day at the dojo.  We were running late again, but what's new?  The kids and Ed looked good in their pictures.  I can't wait to see them.  I am so excited.  After all the wonderful picture taking, we went home and chilled.  The kids picked up the doggy poo and Ed cleaned the pool and the vehicles.  After Ed showered we headed out to Lakewood to spend time with my cousins.  That was a lot of fun.  Ed got to hang out with the guys and drink and I got to gossip with the cousins.  I was reminded of just how grown up we all were.  I hated to leave because I could see that Ed was enjoying himself...but we had a long drive and I was driving and I was getting tired, so we called it a night.

Sunday I woke up and there was breakfast.  Ed took care of some things in the house and we just chilled out and rocked out.  Ed and I took a nap to the music of our kids rocking out on rockband.  Nalani was bass, Bailey was guitar/drums, and Emily was singing.  I love my kids.  Conrad enjoyed sitting and listening to rock band.  Have I told you how much Conrad loves to listen to us rock out?  Well he does and it is so cute.  Oh and how can I forget, Conrad is starting to crawl!!!  AY!  He's growing too fast.  This week he will be seven months old.

I can't seem to get myself to sleep.  I keep thinking of Ed.  Please keep him in your prayers.  I know he will appreciate them.